


Do You Realize

by Elireide



Category: Persona 5
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-18 11:25:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10615902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elireide/pseuds/Elireide
Summary: Persona 5 Story, possible spoilers. Yusuke/Main character (who I will call Akira) What truly leads to the awkward artist becoming friends with Akira? How do they overcome the boundaries set by loneliness? Is there more than just friendship that lingers in their future? I am trying to do a "between the scenes" set up because...let's be real...it was really easy to do with Yusuke's storyline.Rating may change. Note: each chapter title is the continuation of "Do you realize..."





	1. Chapter 1

"That Loneliness is a Way of Life"

Perhaps it was not something I recognized right away. In fact, I am most certain I did not. Rather, I allowed myself to be engulfed by the beauty of art. Many days, and equally as many nights, I wallowed in the smells of the varied pigments and lost myself in the feeling of creating.

I had known for some time that things were not as they should be. I did not need you and your loud mouth friends to tell me as much. In fact, the drivel that left the blond boy's mouth nearly made me lose any will to speak with you again, despite the beauty of the woman beside you. And despite, even, the odd calmness I felt upon looking just past your glasses.

The emotions that well upon the canvas, placed there with careful precision and captured with the utmost care by my steady hand should not be displayed with another's name. But, he is my sensei. If he needs my inspiration to be his own I have no right to argue. After all, he is the one that took me in so many years ago and has since kept a roof over my head and a paintbrush in my hand.

Even as it pained me to dance in the shadowed footsteps of the man praised by many, I remind myself that this is not all for naught. Under his careful hand, I can better myself. Admittedly, it is easy to lose myself in the beauty around me. So, rather than wallow in my own doubt, the canvas becomes my home and the love I feel for creativity keeps me going.

But rumors do not shy from my ears, even if I wish they would. I wish not to admit that these whispers may be the truth but it is often hard to deny something which seems so obvious. For that, I am glad that loneliness is my way of life. No one questions the awkward, quiet man in his room who paints with care he does not often share to the world. Hardly one set of eyes glances to the man who sketches the world and pulls the beauty from everything.

Admittedly, the first time I saw you I did not really see you. Instead, I saw what I was taught to see. The female figure is revered as the most elegant thing to ever be recreated upon a canvas after all. So, I followed my heart and hid behind the things I so longed to recognize. If I could use her beauty, perhaps my own heart would cease to be so fickle.

Loneliness.

My words never come out right and it is because of this way of life I find I cannot speak as well as I can see. And no matter the words I try to say, it never seems right. It is not to say that I do not speak what I wish, but rather I say what I see and those around me never seem to understand.

After our first encounter, I returned to my world of loneliness, certain I would never see any of you again. I returned to my canvas and attempted to pull the beauty from the grime around me. It should not be so difficult to do. For beneath all things is dirt and from such a mess comes a great many things. Even beneath the waves of the ocean there is a mess which would, at first, seem hideous. But if we are to focus on that, we would never see the great multitude of creatures that grace our presence.

Anger is unbefitting of me so I wished to apologize for my outburst, I hope you will one day know that. However, breaking a way of life is hard. And I fear loneliness is all I truly know. Yet you all come here to me and try to make my solitude even worse. You tell me my sensei is corrupt, call me out and try hard to hide the beauty I have been coveting. In time, I may come to accept these changes.

But not yet.


	2. That a Heart Cannot be Made of Ice

"That a Heart Cannot be Made of Ice"

It was strange. The feeling of Goemon awakening. That power which welled within me was unlike any I had ever felt. Our icy powers became one almost too as if he was mocking the ice now dwelling within my heart. And my strength was merely born from the rage I tried so hard to hide.

My sensei...could not truly be as evil as he seems...correct?

But...I saw that horrendous museum with my own eyes. It would be hard to deny something like that. His greed overtook his desire to create. How could I have been so blind to such a thing?!

It was hard to admit, even as he kneeled at our feet that you had all been right. I couldn't quite grasp the concept that the man I saw as a father had wronged me so. Perhaps I never will.

Once that palace was gone…

Palace.

What an unusual name for such a gaudy place. There had been nothing beautiful in such a disaster. In that palace I could only see the embodiment of wanton greed. To think that came from the heart of my sensei.

For days I holed up, staring at a blank canvas. I assured you all I was fine. But even artists hide pain within beauty and hang it for all to see. I was no different, of course. My mind, even with the help of Goemon, could not accept the truth laid bare before me.

My creativity seemed to have died as that palace crumbled and I knew not what to do to gain it back. All I wanted to do was lay down and pretend that things might go back to how they once were. But, even in my uncertainty, I knew there was no chance of that.

Then, after Madarame admitted to the things I already knew, you came to me.

Despite my uncertain words, you spoke with me.

In spite of my eccentric personality, you managed to stay around.

I must admit, I do not remember the last time someone chose to do such a thing without a reason. Even sensei seemed only to long to perfect the artist I was growing to be.

In time, I realized you even came to see me as a friend.

Perhaps that friendship is why I had to admit to myself, no one's heart can truly be so cold. In time, I would be able to see the multifaceted faces of those around me as well as the beauty of the world. Through your calm words and sometimes flustered motions at my lack of social etiquette, I came to find that a heart cannot be made of ice.

Even my own.

Surely, I use the bufu skills for a reason but it is not because I cannot feel. Rather it is the lack of sunshine given to the garden within my soul. How is beauty to blossom in a place so dreary after all?

For the briefest of moments, I considered giving up my aspirations of becoming an artist. Even as you all knew little of me and my past, though more than I had previously shared with another, you all wished me not to stray. Was it because my art was actually good or perhaps it was more than that. I had planned to stay with you, in that plain attic above LeBlanc and find a new life. One no longer tainted by the curse of artistry and politics dancing together in what is surely a most wretched waltz. Without much falter, you agreed to allow me to stay. Though, looking back, I fear I had not given you much option.

That night, if it is fair to me to say so, was the first true glimpse of sunshine I was ever able to see.


	3. That You Were My First Friend

"That You Were My First Friend"

By the time the others had left it was late. It was no surprise to me that Morgana had quickly taken his spot and fallen asleep. However, my mind could not find peace so I had lied on that drab sofa and stared at the wooden slats above my head tirelessly. At last, I could take it no longer, so I cautiously opened my mouth to speak.

"Akira are you still awake by any chance?"

Hopefully, my words were not so loud as to wake you.

"Mmhmm. What's up Yusuke?"

Listening to your voice, I am envious. How easily you speak stuns me to momentary silence. It will take me many years to learn to converse in such a carefree manner, surely.

"I am in your debt for this. You have my sincerest gratitude."

"You already said that. And it's fine." You sat up in bed, clearly not quite tired yourself. For the briefest of moments, Morgana stirred at your feet then just grumbled and fell back to sleep. I watch him with a tiny smile. Though he does not remember his past, and though he appears to be a cat, I cannot help but admire his resolve. Similarly, I am vaguely jealous of the ease with which he is able to greet his dreams. Do cats dream?

"Besides," you continue, breaking my stream of thought, "it's not really my place so I'd feel pretty rude for saying you can't stay."

"Ah. That is correct." I sit up, as to match your eyes. Even in this low lighting, I realize I rather enjoy how you look without glasses or your mask. "I should do well to remember to thank Sojiro again in the morning."

"You'll be fine. He likes you."

I watch you rub your eyes and stretch. Perhaps I am keeping you awake. I should stop speaking and allow you your rest. But then you walk over and sit beside me, stopping for only a moment to grab your glasses.

"So it would seem." I smile and feel my heart race as you sit down beside me. What a strange feeling? Uncertainly, I touch my chest and feel the accelerated beating there with a look of confusion. Why does my heart act in such a peculiar way? Am I falling ill? "But I thank you regardless."

"It's really not a problem." You smile brightly and this simple act causes the pounding in my chest to grow. Why? "That's what friends are for you know."

"Friends, hm?" I relax my hand away from my chest to run through my hair. This motion helps to calm me enough to think straight again. "You are the first friend I've ever had, you know."

"I...am?" You sputter in surprise and scratch the back of your head. In a short time, I have already come to realize this is your signal for discomfort. Shaking my head, I force a small smile.

"It is because of you that I have discovered my true self and I am thankful." I grin and tilt my head to look back toward the wooden ceiling above me. "Do not feel pity for me. I am happy and I was… happy before all of this as well." Was I truly happy before? Or was it more complacency? Regardless, I do not wish to make my first friend uncomfortable, so I shall pretend life was not so lackluster before our ventures into Mementos or Madarame's Palace.

But when I face you, I can see that you know better.

"I'm glad I was able to help." Your voice is always so astute, to match your thinking of course. "You may be a bit odd, but you are nice."

"I'm not certain many would agree."

"Ann and Ryuji seem to agree."

"Ann is discomforted by me I am sure. No doubt because I mistakenly stalked her. And I think Ryuji is too daft to see a mediocre person as anything but...existent. I may have not done so much wrong as Sen - Madarame, but I was no saint in turning a blind eye." I stretch my neck and glance out the window. The sky is quite dark but the stars glimmer in a beautiful manner, so much so that I almost wish I had the stamina to paint it.

"You can't blame yourself for wanting to believe he wasn't a bad person." Akira speaks quietly, whether to allow Morgana her rest or not, I cannot say. The sound of the quiet voice is almost lulling. "It's part of your charm."

"My charm?" I hope my voice does not crack when I speak these simple words.

"You want to see the best in everything." At that, you pause and shake your head. "You want to see the beauty in everything, right?"

"I want to, yes. But it is...rather difficult right now."

Turning back to the window, I sigh. How am I to explain my troubles without coming off as too needy. It isn't exactly as though you have lived a grandiose life either. Interrupting my thoughts, you place your hand on my shoulder and I feel my heart stop. Why does my heart act this way around you? I'm not certain I enjoy such a feeling. It leaves my face feverish as well. Perhaps I was not so wrong in my assumption that I may becoming sick.

"I'm here for you Yusuke." Akira speaks warmly and I can feel the truth behind his words. "Don't worry about being 100% yet. No one expects that. We just want you to be happy."

"You keep saying we as if the others are here to vouch for their supposed feelings."

"Fine. I want you to be fine."

"Hm. That will work." I cannot help but smile, despite the racing of my heart. "Many apologies for keeping you up. Please, do not stay awake on my account."

"Eh, Morgana was kinda heavy on my legs anyway. It's no big deal."

"Is it strange to sleep with a cat who may or may not be human?" The thought had crossed my mind once or twice upon watching Morgana curled up on the edge of the bed.

"Not really." Akira speaks with a shrug then chuckles. "Why? Are you jealous?" He looks back to me with an expression I can't quite grasp.

"Of sleeping with Morgana? I cannot say that I am."

He then shakes his head at me and smiles. Was that not the meaning of his question? How curious his response is.

"Sleep well."

"I will try."


	4. Seeing beauty and being blind are sometimes one in the same

"Seeing beauty and being blind are sometimes one in the same"

No matter how fervently I try, my body will not allow me to sleep. This sofa is too short for me to comfortably lay. And Morgana makes the strangest sounds in his sleep. However does Akira manage to sleep through that?

After at least an hour of tossing and turning, curling up then stretching out, I finally sit up and grumble. This was precisely the reason I had tried to claim the futon. That piece of furniture would actually fit both my head and my legs. Plus it wouldn't have these cushions that are quite comfortable to sit on but too soft to lay on.

Finally, I stand and walk over to the edge of the futon and stare down at Akira, almost angrily. Akira is taking up the entire bed. No matter, if I am to get any sleep tonight, he will have to share. Whether he is awake or not, I decide it would be best to state my intentions before simply claiming my spot beside him.

"The sofa is too short for me. I did try to claim the futon before you went to sleep for this very reason." Then I lay down on the edge of the bed. Surprisingly, it is Morgana who stirs first. I fear I may have accidentally kicked him upon placing my legs upon the futon. He huffed then took off and decided he would be more comfortable on the sofa. With such a small body, surely it would be more comfortable anyway.

At first, Akira did not move. Of course, his stillness was fine with me, though my heart did begin to rapidly start to race once I was beside him. Strange, as I was finally comfortable on this futon, that my heart would decide to act up. Being able to straighten out my legs feels quite marvelous after being squished onto that slightly too short sofa for hours.

"Yusuke?" Akira spoke to me, still half asleep. Surely his eyes did not even open at that time but I had a hard time deciding whether to respond or not. If he was still asleep, I did not wish to reawaken him with my ramblings. But, then I watched a his tired eyes peeled open. "What are you doing?"

"The sofa was not long enough. I couldn't sleep there no matter how much I tried." I pushed one hand into my hair and sighed. "I'm not familiar with your room so I had no idea as to where you keep spare blankets and pillows so I did the only logical thing I could."

"And that was to sleep in bed with me?"

"Well, yes." I laugh a little. "It's not as though I take up that much space and Morgana has now taken his place upon the sofa." I speak with what should be sound logic. If I am unable to sleep where I was placed, then shouldn't the next step to be moving? Yet, he seems so surprised that this would be my decision. Wouldn't he rather sleep than be stuck half awake with a kinked neck once the sun rises?

"You don't find that strange?" His voice is groggy as he rolls over to face me and I cannot help but be taken back by the slight blush upon his cheeks. It would seem we may both be falling ill. Hopefully he does not have a fever, it would prove troublesome if our leader were to fall sick now.

"What would be strange about it?" I reach out to touch his forehead and I watch as he jumps back a little, thrown off by such a motion. "Are you feeling alright, you look a bit flushed."

"Y-yeah." Akira clears his throat and scratches his shoulder. "It's just…" He looks up to me then shakes his head. "I guess it's fine. Just...get some sleep I suppose." Then he pulls up the blanket and cuddles his head into the pillow. Following suit, I decide to do the same then find myself amused. For some reason, I am reminded of a painting upon looking down to us. Though the painting in mind supposedly featured two women - quite masculine women if you ask me - Le Lit by Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec seemed very familiar in this moment. Obviously, my chuckle catches Akira's attention for just after the sound exits my lips, he peeks one eye open again.

"My apologies. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"What's so funny?" He curiously grumbles. Interestingly, when he opened his eyes again, the red seemed to return to his face quite quickly. It would seem he is in need of sleep more than he is letting on.

"It's nothing. Just rest."

"But I'm curious." He pouts a little. It's somehow cute.

"I am just reminded of a painting."

"Right now?" Akira scratches his face and sighs. "Does your head ever stop thinking of art?"

"Most certainly. On many occasions." I find myself beginning to lull in the comfort of this blanket and the softness of the pillow beneath my head. Though as I face Akira, my heart jumps in its cage. For a moment, I admire the soft contours of Akira's face and wish to feel the softness of his hair. It curls around itself like delicate ribbons and blocks parts of his eyes. Unsure whether he would like me to move it, I decide it best to simply attempt to make eye contact past that. "But...the way we lay together, at nearly the same height, the muted colors of the room and the fact that wood is at our head, I cannot help be be reminded of Le Lit. Do you know of it?"

"Can't say I do." His voice is becoming tired and I feel bad for continuing to speak, but it isn't often someone will listen. "You realize you are being ridiculous for considering another field of study...right?" Though his face is red, Akira looks up to me with a serious expression. "I've never met someone who is able to see the world the way you do."

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

"I mean, yeah I guess." He rolls over onto his back and I try to see what he's looking at. "Like, if I were to ask you to describe this room, you would likely use fancy words and make it sound so...desirable. But if I asked, say, Ryuji, he'd just say it was a boring attic."

"That is likely because Ryuji is not the most eloquent individual."

"Well, that goes without saying." Akira laughs and the feeling of it causes my already red cheeks to darken. "But...you understand what I'm trying to say...right?"

"Hm, I might." I decide to lay on my back as well. "One who is able to visualize the way I do should put it to use."

"Yeah. And...being an artist is fitting for you. I honestly don't know what else I could picture you doing." As Akira speaks, I catch him peek over at me with a little grin. "Plus, I want to see more of the art you will create."

This statement causes my heart to flutter and my face to grow flush. I cannot imagine someone appreciating my art that isn't assuming it to be Madarame's. Yet, Akira genuinely seems interested. His words cause a spark to grow in the emptiness that was my creativity. With such a small statement, I feel my hands itching to paint once more.

"Thank you." I smile warmly, knowing I will not be able to properly convey the extent of my joy.

"You're welcome." Again, Akira laughs then just turns back to me. "So…" He starts then trails off while staring just past me to the darkness of his room. Biting his lower lip a little, Akira clears his throat and seems to move a bit closer to me. It would seem his fever is causing him to be chilly. I cannot say that I feel the same. Rather, I am almost uncomfortably warm. "What's on your mind?"

"Right now?"

"No in ten minutes." His sarcasm is biting but I shrug it off.

"Hm. I'm thinking about how one would recreate the night sky in a way that has not yet been done. I may yet be in an artistic slump but, I cannot stop my mind from wondering what it is that people long for."

"What people long for, huh?" Akira laughs a little. "People long for a lot of different things, I would think."

"That is likely true, though I yearn to discover what is at the heart of people. What is it that drives us?" I turn to face him and my breath gets caught in my throat. Have I ever been so close to someone? Somehow, it makes me want to be even closer. I want to more closely study the galaxy in Akira's eyes and trace the shape of his jawline with a paintbrush. Such a painting would please few, but it would be quite a piece to admire when I find myself unable to sleep. If I were to be able to properly recreate it that is.

These are the types of moments I will likely look back on and realize that seeing beauty and being blind are sometimes one in the same. How one's heart communicates is truly baffling to one who has rarely experienced love however.

"Uh, Yusuke." Akira speaks suddenly and it is with his words that I realize how close I had moved while admiring the spiraling color in his eyes. His whole face is quite red at this point. "You're pretty close there." He pokes my forehead as if to show just how little space there is between us.

"I did not mean to be so close. I was simply admiring the way the color of your eyes and the way the galaxy within them swirls."

"That - uh, thanks. Really?"

"Have you never noticed that eyes often resemble the sky? Or rather, beyond the sky. Perhaps this is the reason so many say that eyes are the windows to the soul. Because through the eyes -"

My words are cut short when I feel Akira's lips on mine and at that, my heart stops. What on Earth was he doing?! Doesn't he realize...this is...well, isn't it suppose to be wrong? Lost in the strange, encompassing feeling that swells my body and clouds what few thoughts I may have had. In this moment, I believe the world could have come to a stop and I likely would not have noticed. When he pulls away, I can feel the redness on my face burning.

"Had I said something wrong?" I question suddenly.

"That's - " Akira sighs and simply rolls back over. "That wasn't the point of that."

"What was the point then?" I question as I attempt to will my heartbeats to a slower pace.

"Have you never...kissed before?"

"Not that I recall? Is that so odd?"

"For you? I guess not."


	5. That Calming a Heart is Difficult

"That Calming a Heart is Difficult"

Not long after he spoke those final words, Akira succumbed to the tiredness residing in his bones. His face was red even after he fell asleep and I found it to be most peculiar. I could not help but smile at the peaceful expression on his face. Surely, I should have joined him in sleep, but my racing heart would not allow me to. No matter how hard I try, I cannot fathom why my heart is beating so rapidly.

More than that, every time I would close my eyes, the closeness Akira and I had shared causes the strangest shiver to run down my spine. I remember that closeness and find my fingertips running over my lips as though I might be able to memorize the feeling that way. Strange as it might have been, I did not entirely dislike the feeling. In fact, I may have enjoyed it even more than my fickle heart would like to admit.

However, I've been lonely for so long that allowing myself to admit closeness might be rather enjoyable will take more than one night. Sensei had never been the most loving father, not particularly cruel either, but we did not often share so many moments together when not in the studio. Likely, this is why I discover people have many different levels of comfort in regards to what you say or do. Perhaps my lack of knowledge in what is socially acceptable will need a reform.

Again, I turn my head and look to the sleeping man beside me. With such a simple motion, my heart begins to panic and I feel the strange blush creeping onto my cheeks. Of course, he had only taken me in out of kindness and likely only befriended me because of necessity...but...why did he feel the need to kiss me? Is this not a most precious action reserved for one you care for? I am not one to deserve such an action.

Though, the more I focus on that brief moment, the more my heart flutters and I can't help but wish I might be someone worth spending such intimate time with. At first, I had thought it would be Ann who might steal my heart and make me long for such foreign closeness. But her mind did not match the challenge I had pictured. More than that, her eyes did not hold the same mesmerizing temptation that Akira's seem to hold.

Even as the sun started to climb over the horizon, my heart fluttered and jolted with distinct dissonance thus causing my eyes to shoot open the second they started to close. With the warm hues of early morning sun dancing over Akira's face, I find myself breathless. This is the morning I discovered that calming a heart is difficult, especially when such longing is such a new facet of my personality.

What should I say to him? Should I carry on as nothing happened? Ignoring the kiss we shared for just a fraction of a second? Would that strain our new friendship in a way I am not certain I'm prepared to face? Each new question simply causes my heart to stir up a new hurricane of worry, doubt and desire that never before seemed possible.

Should I wake him to say farewell? Would that make this even more strange? What if by waking him we address the motion that you may or may not remember? Is it worth risking to wake him in hopes that maybe we might share such closeness once more? Maybe I am only overreacting. It could be that the kiss was the only way Akira knew to silence my persistent rambling. After all, that had worked quite well at quieting my artistic speeches.

With that, I decide spending more time here with Akira would be dangerous. Perhaps not to him and likely not in a way he would expect, but I think my heart being so overwhelmed would only lead to more sleepless nights and endless questions. So, I shall return to my dorm and attempt to study the world around me. If I am not so oblivious to how others act, my own actions may become clearer.

It had been more of a challenge than I had been prepared for...exiting the room that is. Brilliant oranges and dazzling yellows danced over the sleeping mystery of the still blissfully sleeping face. Behind the eyelashes which are longer than they should be, as if taunting me with their fragile beauty, his eyes had started to move. Part of me longed to wait for him to awake so that I may address what had happened. But the larger, more uncertain part of me, wanted to hide my vanishing behind my longing to create once more.

Sojiro was already awake when I slipped from the room. He is an observant one. Noting my sleeplessness, he offered me coffee and we chatted quietly as I drank the fragrant caffeine. Though he did not directly ask me what happened, I think he could see it on my face. Instead, he addressed my early waking time and the heavy bag behind me. It must have come as a surprise to him that I was planning to leave already.

"I plan to go back to school and try to find my artistic hand once more." It wasn't really a lie. I did want to paint again. Though, the reasons for it were not so easy to address.

"And you don't want to wait to tell Akira yourself?"

"H-He is still sleeping and I do not wish to awake him." Damnit, I stuttered. Surely that would divulge a bit of my uncertainty. Thankfully, he did not question that nor the slight redness that came to my cheeks. "And, it isn't as though I will not see him again soon." Once my cup was empty, I bowed and quickly exited the cafe that I will likely get to know well. I am thinking Sojiro did not know he could hear me when he muttered;

"Those two are going to be a handful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm debating whether to include some chapters outside of Yusuke's POV. I don't know. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.


	6. That Love Has Many Forms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place inbetween one of the social ranks for Yusuke's confidant. So, there will be slight spoilers...sorta?

“That Love Has Many Forms”

For days, I pondered what that night had meant. It was easy for me to pretend that nothing had happened over text but the moment I saw his face again, my heart pounded and I decided I must come to realize the true meaning of such an action. So, I started to people watch for my answers. This was an easy cover, if ever there was one. As an artist, it is expected that I would want to observe the world and search for inspiration. Surely no one would ponder the reasons behind my flushed cheeks or curious expressions if I am to simply say, “I long to study for creative inspiration.”

  
And, no one did.

  
I read so many art books scoured from all around. In these pages, I searched for answers to the question which dangerously dangled on the edge of my heart. What is love and how does one know love from friendship?  In so many paintings, love is depicted as a gorgeous woman entangled with her handsome lover. Surely, this must be how love is. A kiss is shared between a man and a woman is the essence of true love...right? _That_ is what is acceptable.  However, if I truly search, I am able to find art in which love is not always depicted in such a manner. Early Greek art shows men with men and women together. Other forms of art, beyond painting, show many varieties of love. And this does not help to calm my heart any. If love has so many forms, how am I to know what is right?

  
It took a great amount of strength for me to ask Akira to meet again. To hide my true purpose, I had searched for what “normal” couples do. Apparently, it is quite common for them to go together to the park and share time in quiet solitude within boats. However, if I am to ask him to such a meeting, I should not make my reasoning so obvious.

  
Not surprisingly, I hide behind my sketchbook once again.

  
He agrees, as I imagined he would, and we end up on the boat before my mind had time to realize that he and I are now alone together. Above our heads, the sky is a multitude of brilliant, warm hues. It is lovely and somehow manages to remind me of the sunrise from the morning after our kiss. Nervously, I look around and spy what I assume to a happy couple. They would be perfect to distract myself with.

  
Words leave my mouth as I enter a tunnel of focus. I am not sure what I ramble as I start to sketch. Instead, I hope to drown myself in the feelings from them and ignore the confusion within my heart. But then she moves and my struggle to create what I have been taught is the perfect depiction of love is broken.

  
“No! Return to your previous pose!”  I _have_ to capture this feeling. If I am able to, perhaps the secrets of love will finally make sense to me. Without understanding this, how will I ever manage to focus on Akira’s face again without the whirlwind of emotions devouring me whole? How am I to look into those eyes and not be hypnotized by the desire I am blinded by?

  
“But...she’s my sister!”

  
Their love is not what I was taught to depict either. It is familial. My mind was so focused on finding what romantic love means that I was blinded yet again. Perhaps these rose colored glasses I wear will need to be discarded in order to finally be able to make sense of everything. None of this is logical by any means fathomable. I can’t see, can’t hear, can’t begin to understand these feelings in my heart.

  
“Familial...love.” I repeat to myself while attempting to lull the frantic heart in my chest. “How could I have been wrong?”

  
“Love comes in many forms.” Akira says to me with such calm conviction that it finally stirs my attention. I look to him and my heart stops. Of course Love comes in many different forms. I have studied this maniacally within the thin walls of my dorm room. This is exactly what I had been discovering and even still, my brain cannot comprehend it. Once I am able to finally make eye contact, the world becomes nothing but white noise again.

  
Beside us, the couple had said something, only a part of my mind was able to hear it;  
“If it is couples that come here, then that would mean…” The woman speaks in a hushed voice. Her brother shushes her by adding:  
“Hey, you can’t say that. There are many walks of life.”

  
But my own emotions do not allow me to realize the weight of such statements. Instead, I attempt to listen to my heart. Across from me, Akira looks...frustrated? Or maybe it is embarrassed? Perhaps it is a mix of the two emotions. And even with such a peculiar expression on his face, I am fascinated. How ridiculous it is that I find myself able to stare at the same face for so long. Even when people watching in the underground walkway, I do not feel the same magnetic pull on any of the gorgeous faces that wander by.

  
“Uh, Yusuke? Did you still want to draw?” His mellifluous voice breaks my train of thought and I realize how long I have stared into the void of my mind.

  
“I find my paintbrush does not wish to create what my heart is longing for.” My words ring true but the meaning is perhaps not truly what I meant. “Perhaps we can simply enjoy the view, it is quite splendid after all.”

  
“I agree.” Akira smiles and looks around before finally facing me again. “You are very fitting in such a setting.”

  
“I...I am?” My heart starts to jump again. Was this meant to be a compliment or simply an observation that an artist is at home within beauty? “I thank you, if that was meant to be a compliment.”

  
“What else would it be?” Akira laughs a little and his eyes curl up to match the smile which causes the warmness in my chest to spread to my cheeks. I grab my chest and take a deep breath, silently willing my heart to hold out.

  
“Why do you say such kind things to me? It must surely be illogical to share such kind feelings with someone...like me.”

  
“Why?” Akira tilts his head and looks toward me sadly. “I like you.” He shrugs with a sideways smile. “And I thought you felt the same. It wasn’t exactly like you seemed against me kissing you.”

  
“I-!” What do I even say in a moment such as this?! He remembered the kiss and...and he meant to do so! “I may have enjoyed it, yes.” What point would it be to lie, after all? “But I do not know what to make of it. Isn’t that…” I shake my head and look to the bottom of the boat. The gentle swaying helps to calm me down enough to look back up.

  
“Isn’t that what?” Akira questions patiently.

  
“Isn’t a kiss something important? Surely I am not one to waste such precious things on.”

  
“Don’t you think I should have a say who I should and shouldn’t kiss?” Akira is so unfazed by my awkward nature. He is unbelievably patient with me. No matter, I am not certain my heart is prepared to admit that I may have such powerful feelings for him.

  
“I am not attempting to make rules on your life or even say that...I do not wish for such things.” I grab at my shirt and look back to the water. “Simply, I...have never felt these things before, so it is...difficult for me.” Difficult is an understatement, of course. Understanding how I feel seems impossible right now.

  
“I’m not asking you to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, you know.” I feel the boat sway as Akira leans in to touch my chin. Looking nervously up, I am met with that irritatingly confident smile again and the heart which was beginning to calm only moments ago is now frantically trying to escape my chest.

  
“I am aware of this.” How do the words exit my lips so easily? I can barely think and yet, I am speaking! This is surely a most dangerous feat. “However, it was not until...that...night...that I wondered how love might feel. Such a feeling is...unfamiliar though...it is not entirely uncomfortable.”

  
“Well.” Akira sits back and starts to row us to the shore. His face is calm and tinted red. I doubt the red is only from the sun setting now however. “I would be happy to help you become familiar with it.”

  
“In what way do you mean?”

  
“Really?” Akira sighs, shakes his head and laughs as we find solid ground. “I’d like to date you, if that’s okay with you.”

  
“Date me?!” I can no longer keep from being flustered. “Surely this is a joke…” My words trail off when I look to his extended hand. Right, he is merely helping me out of the boat right now. With nervous fingers, I take his hand. Swallowing hard, I allow him to help me onto the dock. However, I quickly come to the realization that his grip on my hand does not release even as both feet are planted firmly on the ground.

  
“It’s not a joke, Yusuke.” He grips my hand a little tighter and smiles. “I’m not _that_ mean.”

  
“But I know nothing of dating!” Even as my nerves shoot about at a feverish pace, I do not release his hand. It feels nice within the palm of my own. “All my knowledge of life revolves around art, painting and the confines of my own four walls! Why on earth would you decide me to be a good option for this?”

  
“It just feels right.” Akira speaks humbly. Somehow, more than anything else, that simple sentence made more sense than anything stated so far. I am able to comprehend it rather simply, as I cannot deny I have felt the same way. No matter my nerves, I am happier when I spend time with Akira. His confidence flows into me and I feel better about myself with each passing moment. Certainly, this strange power will only be enhanced if we are to spend even more time together.

  
“I honestly understand.” My voice is finally more calm now. “I too have this sense of...finding my contrasting hue with which to create a full spectrum of marvelous things.”

  
Akira laughs and his grip tightens around my fingers. “That’s such a Yusuke way to put things.”


	7. That Some Things Are More Beautiful Than A Sunset

“That Some Things Are More Beautiful Than A Sunset”

 

We walked together in that sunset and my eyes struggled to decide which view was more exquisite.  

Is it the line where the sun creeps behind the earth, a phenomenon where the sun drowns in an endless sea?  Where the sky transitions from warm oranges and brilliant reds to cool violet speckled with glistening stars? Even the trees seem to glow with a vibrancy only able to be recreated on the most magnificent of days. It is as though the gods were teasing my lack of inspiration with the most perfect painting nature could provide.  Surely there is no more beautiful thing than this.  


Or is it, rather, the way his eyes focus on the horizon, reflecting the glowing light brilliantly?  Perhaps even it is the way his face is aglow with the last lingering rays of sunlight slipping beneath the sky filling with stars?  With that smile which blossoms more magically than any flower each time he turns to face me, can this picturesque sunset match the feelings I’ve never before felt?

“Yusuke?”  His voice finally breaks my internal struggle and I respond only with a nod.  “Is everything ok?”

“Indeed.”  I respond briefly then smile while looking back to the sunset.  In my hand, I feel his fingers tighten at my obvious uncertainty.  This motion causes my heart to flutter again.  “I never imagined...or perhaps I did and simply did not wish to admit it, that I would one day be...hm, I’m not certain how to put this into words.”  I look to Akira and my heart skips a beat.  How ever will I learn to deal with such a start?  Looking to the ground, I try to make sense of the hurricane of thoughts within my mind.  “When I was younger, I often felt as though my only purpose in life was to be thankful.  After all, I could have been an orphan.”  Again, Akira’s fingers tighten around mine and his thumb rubs gentle circles on my skin.  He can tell I am tensing up.  How can he read me so well already?  “As I grew older, I saw that my purpose was to create art.  I enjoyed such a pastime and became pleased that others found my work enjoyable.”  Clearing my throat, I look up to meet his eyes.  “Somehow, I never felt that  _ I _ would be more than simply a tool in which to create something.”

“That’s…”  Akira scratches the back of his head.  I don’t allow him to finish just yet.

“Even joining with the phantom thieves, I saw myself as a tool to create a more peaceful world.  I did not feel that  _ I  _ was important beyond having Goemon.”  At this, I cannot meet the eyes now welling with something between hurt and regret.  “So forgive me if I seem distant.  It is not that I do not enjoy our time together, rather it is hard for me to believe.”

“Yusuke…”  Akira stops walking and steps in front of me.  He touches my cheek, thus causing the redness to grow upon my face.  I look to him and my heart pounds within my chest.  “I…”  He looks to me with a sideways smile but his eyes still seem heavy with heartbreak.  My story was not meant to be upsetting, simply a reflection of what I had experienced in life.  “I don’t want you to feel like that again.”

“So it would seem.”  I laugh a little and find myself nuzzling into the feeling of his hand on the side of my face. The closeness is both terrifying and exciting.  

“No.  I mean,”  Akira starts to speak, stepping even closer to me.  Whether it is out of reaction or simply because I am afraid to get to close, my other hand grabs his arm  I don’t quite push him away, but I feel myself becoming frightened by the aspect of growing so attached to someone.  He must realize this, for Akira looks down to the grip on his arm and sighs.  “I want you to know that  _ you are important _ .”

“I...I thank you for that.”

“Stop being so formal about everything!”  Akira teases with a smile.  He pokes my nose which causes me to release a small gasp and jump a little.  This, of course, makes him laugh even more.  Flustered, I release his arm to run my hand through my hair.  

“I am not certain I know how.”

“Then you’re just lucky I think it’s cute.”  He whispers while pushing himself closer still to me.  His chest is against mine so he must surely be able to feel the rapid beating of my heart which only speeds up with such closeness.

“C-cute?  You find me...cute?”

“I do.”  Akira smiles and wraps on arm around my back.  At this, I am quite certain my breath is lost.  No one has ever held me like this, nor did I ever imagine anyone would.  Then, Akira laughs again and I can feel the vibration of it through my entire being.  “Especially when you get so flustered!”  

“Th-that is quite unnecessary to point out, given our situation.”  My voice is airy and my head spins.  His gorgeous eyes stare into mine and I can feel my heart stop as my lips remember the odd warmness of the kiss we had shared days ago.  “I’ve already told you-”  Akira puts a finger on my lips, ceasing my words with ease.

“I know.”  He smiles warmly and his words escape his lips like warm honey.  I feel I am nearly able to taste the sugary sweetness.  “I know.  But, you don’t seem to  _ dislike _ this...do you?”  He runs a finger along my jaw and I am not able to hide the minuscule smile which forms by the tickling feeling.

“No.”  I admit bashfully.  “It just feels like a dream.”

“Like a dream, huh?”  Akira smiles vibrantly and chuckles.  “Never thought I’d get such a compliment.”

“Compliment?”  Had I really complimented him?  Surely, being part of an unreal world wouldn’t be better than living right now.  Of course, our jobs as phantom thieves are quite that.  We spend a lot of time in worlds that shouldn’t exist, so why - ?

“I make you feel like you’re in a dream.  That has to mean something, right?”  Akira moves his face closer to mine and my previously frozen heart attempts to escape through my throat.  I can feel his breath on my skin and it is nearly euphoric.  He smells like coffee, no surprise really as he lives in a cafe, but I find myself hypnotized by it regardless.

“I-it very well might.”  I attempt to will words from my mouth, but they barely cooperate.  “Akira, are you sure?”

“Eh, I dunno.  Let me try something.”  He smiles deviously before our lips meet again.

All the world stops.

If I were able to paint a feeling, I would paint this moment forever.  Behind me, the sun had vanished, revealing only the cool indigo and magnificent violets above us.  The stars attempted to overwhelm the perfection of this feeling, but for the first time in many, many nights, their beauty doesn’t match how I feel.

When Akira finally pulls away from me, my breath is short and I unconsciously follow him away for just a second, lips chasing after that feeling.  I open my eyes to see the galaxies within his own and suddenly I know, some things are more beautiful, even, than the most perfect sunset.  Breathless, I reach out to run my hand through his hair.  Just as I had imagined, it is softer than my own.  Without thinking, I bring myself closer to him and smile. 

“I think I’m pretty sure.”

 


	8. That You Saved Me From Despair

“That You Saved Me From Despair”

 

When we are alone together, I feel my fear dripping away.  There is a sense of knowing what I’m feeling is real and lavishing in it is easy.  Smiling is something I realize I have not often done in my lifetime.  However, I find myself becoming familiar with the feeling while we are together.

It is not as easy to feel this way when we are with the others, however.  I can feel the strange looks they give me if I am to glance toward you as I would if we were alone.  Surely, it is not that they are angered by it, more curious about the meaning behind such a look.  Regardless, I find myself nervous about it all.  Is this the right thing to be doing?  Should we be allowing ourselves to become so close?  If things do not work out, either between us or between the Phantom Thieves, will our closeness not cause more of an issue?

Thoughts such as this caused me to second guess my feelings for him.  I did not wish to make our already difficult task more challenging.  Yet, each time we all gather together, I find myself in need of a distraction to keep from longing to move closer to him and by hypnotized by the feeling in his eyes.  It is of little surprise that Akira seems to notice this and finally comes to see me on his own.  I had taken to people watching regularly, hoping to make sense of the craziness within my own mind.

When he walked up to me, my words came out frantically.  He is going out of his way to see me.  Why?  Does he not see the struggle I face to decide what is the best thing to do?!

“Calm down Yusuke.”  

As if he has said the magic words, my heart cannot help but lull a little.  If he can manage to be this calm despite everything, then perhaps I should not worry so often.  He stands before me with a smile, offering a listening ear to my issues.  Even still, I cannot will myself to say what is truly on my mind.  

“I cannot find inspiration.”  I say at last.  “Where am I to look?”  Of course, this is far from the most bothersome thing in my head, but at least it is easy to hide behind.  My paintbrush knows what it truly longs to create, but in doing so, I would have to admit my true feelings.  Replicating the delicate curves of his face and the confident smile he often bolsters would certainly cause my heart to fill with pride.  However, that pride may be ill placed.

“Why not look to Mementos?”  He offers an idea.  Whether this is because he does not see past my true reason for fretting or simply out of respect for my struggles, I am not sure.  However, escaping this world, even if only for a moment, might prove to be useful.  Confidently, I agree and bring him along with me.  We enter that strange world beneath the subway and I quickly find myself calming.   


Everyone else seems to find this place uncomfortable, at best.  However, I find Mementos beautiful and almost more calming than anything.  The voices in the wind are quiet, much unlike the city streets and the colors are muted and unusual in a way I have yet to observe in the real world.  

Doing my best to stay focused, I bring out my sketchbook.  My mind spins as I attempt to figure out what to draw.  This world is suppose to replicate the subconscious of man.  Yet, I feel as though I can connect to it in such a way that it almost alarming.  I can sense the despair and hopelessness that fills every crevice in this land.  Behind me, Joker watches me curiously while keeping his eyes open for wandering shadows.  The two of us could easily vanquish any foe who dares to challenge us this close to the surface, but I understand his concern regardless.

“What are you drawing?”  He questions at last.

“Despair.”

Only silence responds to my simple statement for some time.  He must find me more and more odd each time we meet.  I hide my true self from him less and less so discovering the bizarre aspects of my personality will surely cause him to run one day.  However, I discover today is not that day.

“Why would you draw something like that?”

“I...wish to capture the heart of man.”

“There is far more in a heart than simply despair.”

“But it is an aspect I know well.”  

I should think of my words more carefully when I am around him.  Akira has such a strong sense of empathy that I watch his face become dejected.  Though  I had not meant to offend, it would seem I have managed to hurt him.  Of all the things I wish to do, harming Akira is certainly not on that list.

“Please do not feel that my despair is because of you.”  I speak while continue to sketch the spiraling despair I have felt on the darkest of nights when loneliness got the best of me.  To some, this will surely be beautiful.  However, it is not the beauty I am attempting to capture.  Rather, I long to encapsulate the feeling of spiraling downward and feeling surrounded by it all.  Most people must understand such a feeling.  “In fact, it is rather quite the opposite.”

Akira looks at me with a despondent smile and sighs before shaking his head.  He does not yet step too close as I am still sketching, but I can sense that he longs to.  Finally, I close my sketchbook and face him with a tiny grin.

“You have saved me from this kind of despair.”  I swallow hard when he steps close to me.  “I have stopped feeling as lonely and this is all thanks to you.”

“You say that, but you’ve been...pretty distant lately.”  

He grabs me in a hug and instantly my heart begins to race.  How am I to explain why I have been distant?  Such a confidant man will likely never know how it feels to watch others question your every move.  Akira has likely never feared being the reason everything goes wrong as he is always three steps ahead of any troubles.

“Is…”  I struggle to speak as my longing to return Akira’s embrace is growing stronger.  “Is this...wrong?”

“Does it feel wrong?”  Akira doesn’t falter.  Instead, he smiles up to me and plants a gentle kiss on my cheek.  This, of course, causes the blush to grow on my cheeks. 

“Not particularly.  Though I fear the repercussions if anything is to turn foul.”  At last, I can no longer will my arms to stay at my side.  Akira is so warm and I am thankful to wrap myself around him.  

“You worry too much.”  He laughs a little.

“I think I worry just enough.”

“You would.”  Akira laughs then grabs my chin and forces me to look into his eyes.  It feels strange to feel so elated and at peace in a place like this, yet I cannot help it when such feelings begin to surface.  “Tell me.”  He speaks quietly, as if he might interrupt someone.  “How do you feel  _ right now. _ ”

“I-”  A lump forms in my throat and I find it hard to face him.  “I feel happy.  Being with you brings out parts of me I never...well, I never imagined existed.”

“And where are we?”  Akira asks with a grin on his face.

“Quite obviously, we are in Mementos.  Why ever-”

“We are in a place made of corrupt desires and filled with despair and yet you feel happy.”  He grins and pokes my nose playfully.  “So, why is that?”

“Because I am with you, I’ve stated such previously.”  This round and round is baffling to me.  It must be obvious because Akira chuckles a little before speaking again.

“So, if you can be happy  _ here _ because you are with me...don’t you think that should be even easier to do when we are out there?”

“But I-”

“No buts.  I want you to just think about the present when you are with me.  No worrying about ‘what if’ or anything.”

“That is far easier to say that it will be for me to enact upon.”

“Then use me to help.”  Akira then puts his hand in my hair and pulls my face down to his.  He kisses me, in Mementos of all places, with such feeling that I can no longer argue.  I feel my heart doing flips and the last few strands of worry unravel themselves from my soul.  When he pulls away, Akira starts to talk again.  “I am here for you.  You aren’t alone anymore.”

“Thank you.”  My words are honest and I cannot help but wish I could say something more profound.  Instead, I look behind Akira before meeting his eyes once more.  “We should likely leave this place though.”

“Want to come back to the cafe with me?”

“It will be quite late by that time though, no?”  I reluctantly release him and we head back toward the entrance to the real world.

“So stay.”  He grabs my hand.  “It’s not like you haven’t before.”

“I will not be sleeping on the sofa again.”  

“I would hope not.”  He laughs as we step foot into the bustling world above us.  When I look down, there is a faint shadow of red on his cheeks and this causes my heart to trip.  How can he be so carefree about all of this?  I may be vaguely jealous of the ease with which he lives life.

“Do you think the others…”  I start to speak, but cannot find the proper words.  Do I think they will be upset?  Not particularly.  Then what is this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Ann already guessed.”  Akira shrugs.  “I mean, it’s pretty easy to see if you have a set of eyes and aren’t Ryuji.”  

“Are we really that obvious?”  

“I mean, you never use to smile.”  Akira speaks bluntly.  “Now you smile when you look at me.”  He grins deviously.  “She kinda put two and two together.”  Suddenly, he pulls me closer and laughs a little.  “And before you worry about it, she’s happy for us.  She wasn’t sure whether we wanted to bring it up to the others yet or not, so she hasn’t said anything.  But she said she likes seeing you smile.”

“I am...glad to hear that.”

“So.”  Akira starts dragging me toward the train platform as he speaks.  “You  _ will _ be staying then...right?”


End file.
